Yep, she's a gem. Having someone around who understands, like her, will be more than beneficial to both you and J.

Okie dokie... Ready for another Uni whallop?  Yup, ANOTHER ONE.

While here, I was seen by a psychiatrist due to the anxiety and depression I've had for years, and that has been really bad with being away from J.

I've resisted getting treatment for it, because I hate meds, and for the most part, I do function.  I work, I take care of my son and myself, etc.  But the anxiety does severely affect how I react to other people, and I now see how much it's limited my life in so many ways.

Anyway, if I'd gone through the years to get treatment, they'd have prescribed SSRIs.  No big deal, lots and lots of people take them.

But... and here's the Uni whallop... they lower your heart rate.

Creepier part...

I've spent the last week calling all the local resources for counseling.  Called a DV shelter.  Got transferred and then disconnected, then when I called back, got voicemail.  Left a voicemail, and got no call back.  Called the local mental health center, and kept getting voicemail.  Over and over, when I attempted to get appointments for psychiatric care, which would have resulted in me being placed on those meds, it was blocked.

Yeah...  Psychiatrist that I talked to today said that yes, she sees a clear pattern of anxiety and depression, as well as hypomania (not quite bipolar, because I don't have the extreme highs), and that eventually she would like me on meds, but that I can't be on them until the cardiologist clears me for them, because they do slow the heart rate, and since mine is already so low, it could kill me.

So yup... everything happens for a reason.

Taking a short break from proofing. I have a hundred pages to go and my eyes need a rest. We'll also be heading into town in about an hour, more or less and I'm almost at a pretty good place to stop.

Penthesilea wrote on Sep 30^th, 2012 at 7:03pm:


Honestly, I think they were a necessary couple of weeks.  I know what I have to do now.  And I think this couple of weeks has given me the strength to do it.  I just have to hope that others can see, or at least accept, that this is how it has to be.

Veridian Etoile wrote on Sep 30^th, 2012 at 7:08pm:


My primary care physician will be coordinating all of my care, including referrals to the cardiologist, neurologist, psychiatrist, etc.  All of it will be under his eye, so that he can make sure no treatment conflicts with any other treatment.  He's an amazing doctor, and he's got an amazing team that I've seen several times this weekend.

LOL

I'm not sure how much his family is going to like me, but as soon as that PPO is dropped, everything is going to change drastically. I'm going to sit everyone down, tell them to shut the hell up, and let me talk.  And then I'm going to tell them all my mistakes, make him own up to his, and tell them to mind their own freaking business, because the meddling and the "Do this, do that," that everyone does has not helped at all.  It's nearly destroyed us.  Heck, for all I know, it has destroyed us, because I don't know if he still wants it, though I think he does.

I'm about to open a whole huge can of kick butt that a lot of people aren't going to like.  First, I have to start with a LONG conversation with my son, who currently hates J.  And I understand why he hates J.  But I can't have that.  I know it will take a long time for him to ever trust J again, if at all, but they both need to realize that I love them both, and I'm not truly happy without them both.

Then onto his sister and brother-an-law.  And the rest of his family.  And my family.  All of them are going to be getting an earful from me about how they've all manipulated and used us and brought our marriage to the brink of absolute destruction.

And you'd think they'd realize that if, after everything we've been through, we still want to keep going and make it work, then they need to just accept it, because maybe we're right.  Maybe there's something so special and rare there that we simply can't let it go.

Just a head's up, we're getting a LOT of wind and rain right now... I may go poof!! (I hope NOT though!)

Sorry, Hubby is home and I had to get supper on the go, we eat early here.

Go for the gold ring, AR. If it's bliss between you two and feels right for both of you, dont' let anyone else tell you otherwise!!

The wind is picking up... So glad Hubby is home that way if the power goes out, we'll still have TV and video games. No computer though, it's draws too much power to run off the old car battery and converter we use for the TV.

I'm back, finally. Nite, hon.

Yeah, he's gotta make the break on his own and have the strength to make it stick. It's good that he'll get notification from the court about the cancellation, otherwise his parents probably wouldn't tell him.

Morning.

I was up late last night, working on NR again. I managed to expand on a "bare" spot in Chapter 31 that needed a little more, it's a lot better and more detailed now.

I won't be around the entire day today. Hubby will be running errands later on and wants me to go with him. I've been told I'm taking a break from the computer whether I like it or not. Maybe an hour or two won't hurt me... Much as I'd rather stay home and get back to working on Chapter 34....

I'm here until we leave, not sure what time that will be.

Now to finish getting caught up and to get Son's book bag packed. I'm here for a bit yet.

It's hereditary in your case and it's at dangerous levels by times from what I've been seeing!

Good, I hope this other friend is able to talk to him, AR! Hopefully they can be the go between and his family won't be suspicious!

Agreed, it's not healthy for him to be where he is right now. He should be on his own or with some friends/family who are NOT so controlling, etc and in a much healthier environment.

I'm soon going to start getting ready to run errands. Hubby said something about a trip to the local pagan shop so I'm going to make a list of herbs I need. I've never been over there, so this ought to be fun! (If they're open that is, I'm waiting for a local bud of mine to get back to me with their hours, etc, if she knows them!)

Veridian Etoile wrote on Oct 1^st, 2012 at 11:18am:


At this point, I'm leaving it in Uni's hands.  I think that's one of the lessons I still haven't learned; to trust Uni, even if it hurts to be away from him.

If this last friend isn't able to talk to him at all, then I'm leaving it up to him to contact me in whatever way he can.  It may just be that his family currently has such tight control of him that he can't contact me right now, no matter how much he wants to.

And he does have to get himself straight before we can be together.  If we throw ourselves right back into it, sure we'll be great for a little while, because this has been such a shock, but then we won't have had the time to really make the changes last.

In my heart, I know we'll be together again.  I know we will.  I just don't know when, and that's what's so hard right now.  But I do know what I have to do to speed that up, and if he wants it, he'll make it happen, too.

Penthesilea wrote on Oct 1^st, 2012 at 4:14pm:


I couldn't believe he said that.  Of course, I shouldn't have been surprised, as he's also the same one that said the fight between J couldn't have been that been, and I was faking the sprained ankles, even thought there was a witness to the fight, and the ankles were swollen and are still bruised a week and a half later...

Ugh... some people are just... GRAH...

On another note, I have an action plan to get my head straight.  I can't get on meds for anxiety and depression, because those things lower the heart rate, and obviously, I don't need mine any lower.

I can't stand being here most of the time, because everything reminds me of J.  And he can't come back here if we do get back together, because everyone here is mad at him for hurting me, and I don't blame them.  I do understand that completely.

So either way, I have to get my own place.  ASAP.  Because I cannot take much more of the fighting back tears every time someone says something, does something, or I see something that reminds me of J.  Fresh start is absolutely ASAP priority ONE at this point.

If I can pull it off, I'll have my own place October 22nd.  A week before our first anniversary.  And maybe we can celebrate it together.