lists, lists, lists. you should see the evil overlord list.
41. I will not associate with vampire theatres, vampire whorehouses and prostitution rings, vampire bars or vampire biker gangs. They attract attention.
42. I will spend no more than 10 years in any one location and when I move it will be somewhere distant. I will not return to a previous home for a minimum of 80 years. Anyone who previously knew me will either be dead or senile.
43. I will be able to explain porphyria and why that unfortunate genetic condition is the reason I cannot go out in the sun.
44. I will force myself to look concerned and not hungry when someone accidently cuts himself.
45. A Kevlar vest with a ceramic trauma plate located over the heart is a rather trendy fashion accessory.
46. I will take seriously anyone who approaches me with a water pistol and a confident expression.
47. Backpacks and small bags capable of holding sharp pointed wooden sticks will be taken from visitors by a servant at the door. Anyone refusing to part with their accessories will be taken into a side room and shot in the knees, handcuffed and chained to the wall, where they will provide lunch for my concubines.
48. Crossbows, spears, arrows and other antique weapons with wood or large blades will be banned from the castle. There is nothing wrong with a fine collection of rifles and handguns.
49. I will carry at least a .38 on my person and become proficient in its use. If the Von Helsing is holding me at bay with a religious symbol or I am unable to use my vampiric powers for other reasons, I can always open fire.
50. I will be a strict atheist, so the hero will be forced to use a copy of "The Skeptical Inquirer" or "Das Kapital" rather than a Bible, delaying him considerably.
51. Before dining out with anyone, I will verify that garlic is not a major spice at that restaurant.
52. I will not take blood from people who take cocaine, speed, or other addictive drugs.
53. All servants, concubines and assorted slaves will be under strict orders not to show excessive devotion to me in public.
54. Servants, concubines and assorted slaves will have a zero-tolerance rule: one mistake and they're dead. I can always create more.
55. When recruiting new blood, so to speak, I will first enslave those who might notice odd behavior in my future concubines. Therefore, I take the teacher at the all-girls school first.
56. All future concubines will be screened and have complete background checks. Those with relatives named Van Helsing will be removed from consideration. The irony is not worth the risk.
57. Nothing says the Hero can't be a cripple or be suffering massive trauma from a shotgun blast before he becomes lunch.
58. I will not personally finish off the Hero. That is what loyal servants, concubines and assorted slaves are for. Besides, the True Love is probably tastier.
59. All future concubines will be strip-searched for rosaries, crucifixes and garlic before I approach them.
60. All cute but spunky kids in the community who express an interest in the supernatural will be identified and observed for sudden changes in behavior.
61. I will be an upstanding but otherwise undistinguished resident of my community and will make sure that I cultivate enough friends that I will be warned of anyone spreading malicious rumors about me.
62. Since it will be the last thing they would expect, I will hire a Mafia hit team to take out the Hero and his friends. Let's see the crucifix protect them from an Uzi.
63. And if it does, I will immediately leave town (having been spying on them from several blocks away via a convenient hard-to-trace method of my choice).
64. All villagers will be encouraged to send their children to the schools I will secretly finance. After a few years of modern education they will dismiss the legends told by their grandparents, several of which will undoubtably be ways to destroy me.
65. I will ignore all attempts to appeal to my former sense of humanity. I don't have any. That is why it is former.
66. I will remind myself that I am immortal, not indestructible.
67. All concubines will save the loose, transparent flowing silk dresses for special occasions. I'm a modern sort of guy so I like a woman in leather and Kevlar, which provides more protection so she lasts longer in a fight.
68. Although firearms are useless against me and the concubines they work quite effectively on the Hero and his friends. Therefore all concubines will be armed and taught to shoot. They will use hand and fang in attack only as a last resort.
69. All bodies of former meals will be destroyed in a manner which will make the absence of blood and bite marks impossible to identify.
70. I will not send bodies or parts thereof of former friends, relatives, mentors or lovers to the Hero in order to demonstrate my complete mastery over life and death.
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