The *seeing* kills me. Because I've only just started *seeing* things in the last several months, so I'm not used to it at all. And I'm still learning the difference between *seeing* things and wishful thinking.
With the wishful thinking, I can change what I'm seeing, quite easily. But with the *seeing*? No matter how I want it to be, or how everyone talks about it, it stays exactly the same.
From the start, when I started seeing the wedding, it was one way. And crazy, it definitely was. But the people who were there? Always the same, no matter who asks to be in the wedding. It's always the same four guys with him and the same four girls with me. And even when he said we would get married in February, I saw a summer wedding. And I'm pregnant, about five months at the wedding. Which means I get pregnant around February or so. Which just so happens to go with a "conversation dream" that I had. And the vision of the wedding has stayed the same throughout.
And oh, the "conversation dreams." Those are new, too. They freak me out. I'll be sitting down with someone, in the dream, having a matter-of-fact conversation. And they'll tell me something is going to happen. And I'll deny it. But then, in real life, whatever they said was going to happen? It happens. It happened with my grandmother's death. With J asking me out, and proposing, all of it. I had conversation dreams about those. And I've had a conversation dream where the dream person says, "You'll be pregnant in February, and planning a summer wedding." And I had that dream BEFORE he proposed. BEFORE he set the date for the wedding for February and then changed it to July.
So yeah... it's crazy. I hang on when I should probably let go, because I *see* what's possible. I *see* how happy we WILL be together.
I've seen our daughter's wedding. Where he walks her down the aisle, hugs her, bends down and kisses her on the forehead, and says, "I love you baby girl, and I'm so proud of you." I've seen it. And it drives me nuts, because I want it to happen so much now. And I'm just hoping that we can get through all this crap.
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